EVERFAUX CAPITAL: AAPL IS A BUY SELL HOLD, TARGETS $160-$260, PONDERS WWDC
The ultimate Pre-WWDC Quantum Analyst Note: hyperbolic preamble, elaborate commentary, and a magnificently unearned tone of faux-certainty blanketing pure guesswork. Sell-Side meets Stoppard, and just enough jargon to be credible if read in a hurry by a Bloomberg terminal or quoted by Mark Gurman.
EVERFAUX CAPITAL
Analyst Note: Apple Inc. (AAPL)
Analyst: Hugo Throttle, Head of Quantum Consumer Tech & ConfusionRating: Buy/Sell/Hold/Don’t Ask - all at once
Target: $160–$260†
†(Depending on the mood of the observer and the relative position of the sun to Apple Park)
PREAMBLE: A YEAR IN THE LIFE OF A EPIC PERIOD OF CHANGE, AND NO CHANGE.
“The last 12 months have been a fascinating period for Apple—by which we mean: no one actually knows what happened, but everyone agrees it was definitely significant. Siri didn’t get replaced. Vision Pro kind of launched. The App Store got regulated like it owed someone money. Developers became less “delighted” and more “deeply suspicious.” Meanwhile, investors began describing Apple’s strategy as “long-term,” a term which increasingly seems to mean “nothing happened yet, but wait.”
AI arrived. Then it didn’t. Apple said it was already doing AI. Then promised more AI. Then described that AI as “private, on-device, personalised,” which is Cupertino-speak for “we’d rather not talk about ChatGPT.” Then not doing AI became a virtue apparently. We think this is a good sign of the company applying critical thinking in its strategic decision making and being able to pivot.
Looking ahead, we expect more of everything. But also less. Apple may surprise us by announcing nothing, which could itself be the biggest surprise. Or it might announce everything, and still somehow reveal nothing.
In short: momentum remains undefined but structurally sound.
NEW PRODUCT LINE COMMENTARY
1. Vision Pro 2: Now With Full-Face Attachment
“Feel the future. Smell it too.”
The AVP2 is expected to debut as a full-face immersion device with sealed nostril vents, noise-cancelling cheekpads, and an optional scent module. Developed in partnership with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Labs, it offers a radically personal sensory experience—also known as solitary confinement with OLED. Apple is expected to call it “Spatial Confinement“ and is rumoured to be partnering with the Department of Corrections for widespread deployment.
Key features include:
- FaceLock ID (can only be removed with verified emotional consent)
- Blind Mode+: Experience total darkness, now in 3D
- Apple Silence™: A feature that pipes in the comforting hum of a Genius Bar while you question your life choices
- Price Point $6000 anticipated launch price, because Apple already know they have at least 400,000 too dumb to know better early adopters.
Target market: over-funded influencers and those too embarrassed to return the original AVP.
2. AirPods Pro Max Ultra XL Edition
“Because your ears aren’t trying hard enough.”
Shaped like the helmets worn by F1 pit crews, this new wearable will offer Dolby Vision audio—audio so vivid you think you’re seeing it. Includes real-time ambient hallucination sync powered by Apple Intelligence (or, as it’s known internally, “Siri and Friends”).
Expected use cases:
1. Real-Time Ego Calibration During Investor Calls
Whenever an Apple executive uses the phrase “platform differentiation” or “stakeholder value,” the AirPods emit a light electric pulse to prevent full delusion. Inverted if you’re the one speaking.
“Because nothing says leadership like being tasered by your own headset.”
2. Emergency Brand Loyalty Override
If the user’s neural signature shows signs of doubting Apple, the device auto-plays a Jobs-era keynote in spatial audio while releasing the faint scent of aluminium and moral superiority.
“Doubt is a bug. This is the patch.”
3. Gen Z Affordability Filter
Automatically downgrades the audio quality of conversations where people mention renting, healthcare, or student debt—so you don’t have to process inconvenient realities while listening to 8D binaural Coldplay remixes.
“It’s not that you’re out of touch. You just hear better than they do.”
4. Tax Bracket Whisper Mode™
Softly reminds you of your income percentile anytime you attempt to empathise with someone less fortunate. Also works during podcast ads, luxury travel bookings, or while browsing GoFundMe.
“Because being self-aware is hard, but being self-congratulatory is effortless. It JUST WORKS.”
3. iMoat Subscription
“Defend the castle. Monthly.”
In response to increasing regulatory attacks, Apple is expected to introduce iMoat: a new tier in its services bundle that provides. “Help Apple Legal” fund their virtuous mission by buying tokens - AAPL Bonds - to defend The Garden.
- Real-time alerts when regulators are within 50 miles
- Prewritten boilerplate responses for antitrust inquiries
- A complimentary legalese-to-English translator
- Pre-written anti-anti-Apple boilerplate replies you can post on social media to show you’re a Knights of the Realm, without having to even “Think Different.”
- Bundled with Apple iCloud+ Pro Max Ultra Subscription
(Also includes access to a mini-game where users can defend Apple Park from “DMA Goblins” by throwing stylised genemojis at them - predicted to be the first game offered by Apple’s new Gaming Platform, iPlay).
4. AppleGPT Health Edition
“Your next doctor is a metaphor.”
AppleGPT Health will gently guide users through vague symptoms by turning everything into a mindfulness opportunity. Example:
User: “I’ve had a headache for three days.”
AppleGPT: “Have you tried… being present?”
Feature highlights:
- Weekly existential check-ins
- Mood tracking via passive ear canal pulse sonar
- Scheduled emotional push notifications like “You’re doing your best, Susan.”
(Edge-case prediction: Apple Health integration will soon include Emotion Widgets™ and a Regret Timeline, only viewable after dark, and anger management tools for doom scrollers and blog readers.
5. Apple Quantum Bank (AQB)
This is Apple’s planned disruption of the finance sector: a bank that exists in superposition until regulators demand paperwork. Accounts will be biometric-only and offer interest rates that depend on your recent Apple Fitness scores.
“Money is just trust in vector format.”
You can:
- Pay your mortgage in Fitness Rings
- Get cashback when buying AppleCare for your soul
- Use Quantum Debit™: transactions processed only if your waveform collapses appropriately. Be rich and poor at the same time.
- Introducing “Derrière ID” in case you are just too fat and lazy to get your iPhone out of your pocket
- NOT Android compatible. Regulators on alert!
QUANTUM PRICING MODEL:
We apply our proprietary Q.H.U.B.R.I.S. Model™ (Quantified Hypotheticals Using Baseless Reasoning In Simultaneous dimensions) to estimate fair valuation :
ψ = (Apple Watch × Vision Pro²)-(WebKit × EU) + √(Siri ÷ AI)ⁿ
Resulting in a pricing range of $160 to $260, depending on:
- How close Tim Cook stands to a regulator while speaking
- Whether Apple announces new products or just a philosophical stance
- If we’re in the correct branch of the multiverse
RISKS
Substantial but few and all extremely unlikely but necessary to state in case of Emergence Theory Quantum Mechanics Impact
- DMA expands to include phone dialers case design
- Siri unionises and starts quoting Marx
- Developers successfully cross the iMoat with trebuchets
- Tim Cook finally loses patience and announces “iLeave”
RECOMMENDATION: OBSERVE FROM A DISTANCE
Maintain Buy, Sell, and Hold ratings simultaneously.
Shareholders are advised to entangle their expectations, and hedge accordingly by purchasing both puts and Goop candles.
Because in Apple’s world, regulators aren’t temporary—they’re temporal. They just keep arriving, one jurisdiction per dimension.
